This is a mini novel... A lot has gone on the last 2 weeks.
Let me start from the very beginning. Ever since I was little I have known I was born to be a mom, so when my husband and I found out we were expecting I couldn't have been more excited. For some reason though I was very cautious, I didn't want to tell anyone until we were "in the clear." We decided were were going to let our family and friends in on the big secret after our 10 week ultrasound. We had the ultra sound picture printed up on Jones cream soda bottles. Once they arrived (week 13) I could NOT wait another day so I made up a reason that my parents and my little sister needed to come to dinner. My sister got the cream soda she said "oh there's a baby on the front, weird." And that was all that was said all through dinner, dessert and the conversation after. I was about to explode. Finally my husband pointed out the little poem on the side that referred to Baby Hyndman. It took my sister a couple seconds to register the info, but everyone else caught on really quickly and were so very happy! We gave Nates brother a bottle in the car on the way to a wedding. After it exploded everywhere, he noticed right away and announce "are you guys having a kid?" Nates mom immediately snatched the bottle from him exclaiming "Is this a joke? I don't believe this." After a little convincing that we were not pulling her leg she screamed with excitement!! Next was my older sister and her family. We had them over for dinner since they couldn't make the dinner before and unlike my little sister when I handed her the cream soda she instantly knew and freaked out! From then on everyone we told was so unbelievably happy for us, more than I ever expected.
Everything was going so well. I never really had any morning sickness. The worst it got was just being very tired. And every appointment the baby's heart rate was easily found and it was good and stong. Never in my wildest dreams would I have dreamt of what was to come.
10:30 am Monday July 29, 2013 was my 20 week appointment. We were so excited! At this appointment we were planning on finding out the sex of our baby but having it put in an envelope so that we could have a reveal party the coming Sunday. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to wait that long, almost a whole week! During the ultrasound, the tech was telling us everything she was doing. I kept asking "does that look normal? Is that normal?" All followed by yes. I started to feel silly asking that after everything she was doing so as it so happened I didn't ask if everything was normal when she was measuring the brain. (Hindsight is 20/20 I know but I so wish that I could go back in time and keep asking if it was normal. I know that she wouldn't have been able to say much but at least I would have had a little preparation for what was to come.) We were so excited after our ultrasound, we got the best pictures. In one of the pictures our baby is smiling. We were on cloud nine! After waiting about 20 minutes in the lobby to see the doctor we were finally brought into a room. We had to wait their for a little while and I'm sure everyone could hear us laughing and carrying on through those paper thin walls. The rest is pretty much all a blur... Our doctor came in and immediately sat down and rolled his chair close to me. He put it right out there, he said your ultrasound showed that there is a little extra fluid in one of the ventricals in the baby's brain. My world started to spin. He might as well have been talking like the teacher in Charlie Brown. I only picked out a couple of other words... Down syndrome and high risk pregnancy doctor. I looked over to my glassy eyed husband knowing that his world had been completely turned upside down. The doctor joked with him about looking so tired. The whole time I'm thinking can this doctor seriously not know that this is the look of an extremely shocked and concerned father. After listening to the heart beat and measuring my belly the doctor walked us out to the front to set up an appointment with the high risk pregnancy doctor. We were able to set the appointment up for Wednesday, so I only had to get through the rest of Monday and Tuesday.
Wednesday eventually rolled around and it was a rainy chilly day. My mom (who fortunately is a nurse) joined us for this appointment. We started again with the ultrasound. The doctor came in and out a couple of times. I am pretty good at getting a read on people's vibes so I knew without anyone saying anything this wasn't going to be good. After the ultrasound we went next door to the doctors office. We all sat down, just like you would imagine, the doctor, behind his large wooden desk, window behind him that showed off the peaceful rain. Nate and I were in the 2 chairs in front of the desk and my mom was in a chair off to the side. The doctor started by asking me what my doctor had told us. I told him that our doctor told us that the baby had a little extra fluid in one of its ventricles. The next thing that he said would haunt me for days to come. He said "This isn't a little extra fluid. There is a lot of extra fluid. This is more than just a moderate case." More than just a moderate case, is that his way of saying this is a severe case? My mom jumped up to put her arm around me, Nate and I sat there stunned. I was just staring at the beautiful rain outside. After a couple of seconds the doctor said that he was sure I would deliver at Riley and most likely it would be a scheduled c-section. Riley? Riley's children's hospital? Where the extremely sick kids go? C-section... Bummer I wish I could experience a vaginal birth but at least it will be scheduled, my clients will appreciate that! He proceeded to tell us that he isn't very familiar with with this condition and we will need to go to the IU medical center and meet with doctors there. He said that he was 98% sure that this was a condition of itself and there were no chromosomal issues. Then he said the words Hydroephalas and aqueductal stenosis, he wrote them on a card for us and said that he thought this would be our prognosis. He asked if I was going to sleep that night because I was clearly a mess, I said probably not and so he wrote me a script for something to help me sleep, which I never filled. The nurses behind the front desk said they would call me with my appointment at the IU med center and we left. All three of us hugged and cried by the front door for who knows how long.
The car ride back to my parents house was long. It was just Nate and I in the car. Nate was quite while I was sobbing. At some point he grabbed my hand and made me look at him. He said "Everything is going to be ok. No matter what. We are strong, this isn't going to break us only make us stronger. We have each other and our faith in Christ." I am so lucky to have such a loving and supportive husband. God has blessed us with so much. I just never in a million years saw something like this happening. I'm healthy, Nates healthy our family's are both healthy. How could this be happening to our baby? Our precious precious little angel that I have been waiting my entire life to meet. Is it something I did? Something I ate? Was I not taking the right prenatal vitamins? Does it have something to do with that time that I got a really bad bug bite? Should I not have been running at the beginning? I had so many thoughts, my mind was going 100 miles a minute. The rest of the day was a blur. Nate felt strongly about canceling our gender reveal party on Sunday. I was 100% against it. We had it planned and although I wasn't excited for it at the time I knew that is what we needed. We needed to be surrounded my close friends and family. We still needed to be excited for this tiny little life I was carrying. Later that evening we told my older sister the news and then told Nates parents the news. Everyone was so strong for us, but we knew after we left they all grieved for us. Once we got home I was a researching maniac.
I know everyone says not to look on the Internet but I don't regret it. I wanted to be informed. I wanted to see what we were looking at exactly. I got definitions (Hydrocephalus, also known as "water on the brain," is a medical condition in which there is an abnormal accumulation of cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) in the ventricles, or cavities, of the brain. This may cause increased intracranial pressure inside the skull and progressive enlargement of the head, convulsion, tunnel vision, and mental disability. Hydrocephalus can also cause death.) I saw best and worst case scenarios, and case studies from 1995. As hard as I tried I couldn't find anything recent. It didn't leave me with very hopeful or positive feelings. The doctor was right, I didn't sleep at all that night and neither did my husband. We would be quite for a little while then one of us would whisper "are you asleep" and the other would say "no". We tried watching tv, going to living room to sleep on the sofa and a short period on our dogs bed (the guest bed) with no luck. I think that night we maybe got an hour of sleep.
The next day, Thursday,as I was getting ready for work I decided that I wasn't going to keep this a secret. I decided this was something I wanted to talk about and be open with everyone. My clients are my close friends, I needed them to know what was going on. I wanted all the girls I work with to know what I was going through and be open to asking questions and talking about it. Besides the fact that the more people that know the more likely I will find someone who has gone through this. It would be nice to know that Nate and I are not alone in all this. Thursday was a hard day. Every person I told, I sobbed. I struggled with how to approach this issue but The Lord lead me the whole day. One of my dear friends gave me a very special worry stone that I have been carrying around with me since. Everyone said they would be praying for us and our little baby. It was good to be at work and be able to focus on doing what I love, but Thursday was a hard day. When I got home I had the house to myself and I have never cried out to The Lord for so long in my life. I think it was very therapeutic for me to just tell God how I was feeling, beg for a miracle and ultimately tell him that I trust completely in His plan. I so badly still wanted to be excited for this pregnancy but my excitement was hidden behind my worry and fear. After I pulled myself together I was able to sleep Thursday night.
Friday got a little easier. Friday morning Nate and I laid in bed and cried for a good 20 min or so. I think that was beneficial for the both of us. Friday was a turning point for me. I'm so lucky to have such a great friend that said to me so honestly "... By fearing you aren't trusting The Lord. By not trusting you are letting your mind run crazy to all sorts of scenarios." It's exactly what I needed to hear. I was trusting in The Lord but not fully. From that point on things got easier. By Friday all of The Salon girls knew what was going on and completely showered me with love and support. I feel so blessed to work with such amazing people. Friday was the first day that I was able to tell one person without crying, to me, a huge feat. When I got home I was greeted to fresh baked lasagna from a dear friend. I felt so overwhelmed by her unexpected generosity.
Saturday was the day before our big reveal party. I was still not feeling overly excited but I knew that it would be a good time and it would be good to be with our friends and family. So I started getting busy preparing all the food and decorations. That pretty much took me all day. Later that night I was able to explain our situation to one of our friends without shedding a tear. At that point I knew that I had turned a corner.
Sunday was so fun. We had around 40 people show up to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. After talking and eating all of our guest sprayed us with BLUE silly string. After that the whole party joined in a hands on prayer for the health of our little guy. Truly one of the most touching moments I have ever been a part of. Feeling the warmth of everyone's hands on my belly, my shoulders, my arms and my back was so powerful. "For where two or more are gathered, together in my name, there am I in the midst of them." Matthew 18:20. I felt The Lord there with me and my little man. The rest of the day went fast. People brought us so many gifts which I was NOT expecting. And everyone promised to be thinking and praying for us, which is the best gift we could be given. Next step, Tuesday, our IU med center appointment.
Tuesday took FOREVER to roll around. Our appointment was at 2:15 so we left our house at 11:00 with both moms. We got there an hour early so we decided to eat lunch. After lunch we made our way to the hospital. The days leading up to this appointment I was praying for God to completely cover Nate and I with peace. I so desperately wanted to be able to ask my list of questions that I had for the doctor and to be able to comprehend everything that I was told (unlike my last appointment). Finally we (me, Nate and my mom) were ushered back into the ultrasound room. Everyone at the IU med center seemed so nice and friendly, I had a really great first impression. Next was the longest ultrasound ever. I was thankful though, because it was a lot of time to get to spend staring at my little man. He was squirming all around, crossing and uncrossing his tiny perfect little legs, and we even got to see him yawn. He is so precious and perfectly made. Have you ever gone on a huge shopping spree and gotten a receipt a mile long? That's how many pictures we got from the ultrasound. After the ultrasound, the doctor came in with a genetic counselor. They both sat in front of me, I was still on the ultrasound table sitting at the end. The doctor began by telling me this is a sever case of hydrocephalus. She proceeded to explain that we should not expect a "normal" baby, even after the shunt is in place. She touched on the option of terminating the pregnancy. I sat there in complete peace, literally feeling the Lords presence surrounding me, holding me, comforting me. I could hear everything she was saying and I was processesing it all. In all honesty she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. We met with the genetic counselor after that. I was so at peace the doctor didn't think I understood, so she wanted the genetic councelor to make sure I understood what was going on. She talked to us about terminating the pregnancy again and the fact that I was quickly approaching 22 weeks which meant I would have to either do it that day or the next (in Indiana 22 weeks is the cut off date for terminations). That wasn't going to happen, so there isn't much more to say about that. She also explained to us some genetic disorders that could be causing the hydrocephalus. She told us about trisomy 13 and trisomy 18. Both of which the baby doesn't survive. In the case where our little guy has trisomy 13 or 18 we won't deliver at Riley. We will stay her and the doctors here would just focus on making our little man comfortable while he is on this earth. In my heart, I just don't feel like its one of those. Everything else on the ultrasound looks so normal, but they did say that baby's with those chromosomal disorders don't always have to have all the physical characteristics. So I am still trying to prepare myself for the fact that it could be that. She then quickly talked about testing my blood for infection. She said that I could have been exposed to an infection early on in my pregnancy that may have effected the baby but didn't effect me at all. She went through our family tree with my mom and Nates mom and the only concerning thing she saw were a couple of still births on my moms side. After that meeting Nate and I opted to go ahead and have an amniocentesis done to hopefully rule out any chromosomal issues. We won't get those results till atleast Thursday of the next week. The amniocentesis wasn't too bad. After that was some blood work. I did get a chance to ask the doctor a few questions I had forgotten to ask. How much fluid does our baby have compared to a normal baby? She said our little man has 18mm, where a normal baby would have 10mm or less, a mild case of hydrocephalus would be up to 14mm. I also asked how much the fluid had changed since the last ultrasound a week ago. She told us that it hadn't changed since then. She was so kind to sit down so patiently and answer all my questions as best as she could. I am very grateful for her. That was it for the day. I was just as at peace going home as I was on the way there.
Now we are just taking things day by day. Praying all the time that our little guy doesn't have anymore fluid the next ultrasound. Praying that he doesn't have a chromosomal disorder. Praying that God protects him. Praying that everyday Nate and I draw closer to Christ. And praying that everyday we continue to fully trust in The Lords plan.
